Janet's Jargon

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Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Boyfriend 9.0 upgrade to Husband 1.0

Sometimes one thing sparks another idea. I have a lot of wonderful online friends, some of them fellow writers, some readers, and some "just plain folks." One of those people is a fellow by the name of Aubrey Love. He lives "down south"--in Oklahoma. He is a disabled retired Vet. (That's a Veteran, not a veterinarian, although he has a bona fide "Doctor" attached to his name.) Now I ask you, how could anybody not be intrigued and more than a little bit curious about somebody who calls himself "Dr. Love." I thought at first that it was a pen name, but nope, it's as real as he is.

Anyway, recently somebody forwarded me a sort of cute take-off on a piece of software. Since Dr. Love is a computer engineer by both education and practice, he picked up on it immediately and we set out to have a little bit of fun. Here is the end result of our "playing" with the correspondence between a software user of our version of the program, with me being the customer and Dr. Love being the Tech Support guy. I hope you have as much fun reading it as we had writing it.

Letter to Tech Support

Dear Tech Support;

I recently upgraded from boyfriend 9.0 to husband 1.0 and found it to be absolutely perfect. Thank you and your team for such a wonderful product.

I am glad you found the upgrade satisfactory. If you encounter any problems, feel free to contact us again.

Tech Support

Dear Tech Support:

Is there any way to incorporate some of the elements of Boyfriend 9.0 into Husband 1.0? The earlier version allowed wining and dining, and the new version seems to utilize whining and leaving dirty dishes in the sink.

Dear Customer;

This is a common problem during first use of husband 1.0. There is nothing wrong with husband 1.0 you just need to re-read the “wife 1.0 users manual”. It explains how to utilize the additional feature - cooking at home 3.1.

Playing with husband 1.0 on a daily basis improves performance and initiates diamonds 5.0.

Dear Tech Support:

Three weeks have passed and I have still not been able to read the Wife 1.0 Users’ Manual. It looks completely foreign to me. I finally called the 800 number given in the manual, and I think the fellow I reached was in India. I could not understand him either. Would you please send me a translator? Oh, and it would help if he had a happy disposition and knew how to wash dishes. Thank you in advance.

Dear Customer;

It's never a good idea to install a translator, you would be better off upgrading to husband 2.0. Warning- you will need to install lawyer 87.5 to upgrade from husband 1.0 to 2.0. Please do not install boyfriend 9.0 while using husband 1.0 or 2.0. This will cause husband 1.0 to lock up.

Of course you should try again to read the “wife 1.0 users manual” for best results. If you still have trouble understanding any part of the manual refer to husband 1.0 who is all knowing and wise.

Dear Tech Support:

I do not want to INSTALL a translator. I want you to SEND ME a translator. Apparently you do not speak English any better than the man I spoke to on the phone. If I send you my husband, will you please try to program him so he matches what the manual says he is supposed to do????

Frustrated in Timbuktu

Dear Customer;

I am going to assume you are a blonde. I am going to do a remote upgrade to wife 2.0. Please stay online while I re-route husband 1.0 to wife 2.0. The other option would be to install secretary with short skirt 3.1to make husband 1.0 perform better. This option usually initiates guilt 4.5 which also initiates flowers 2.3 and diamonds 5.0.

Dear Tech Support:

I am no longer blonde. I no longer have ANY hair left. I have pulled it all out, thanks to frustration over all of your stupid products. I am enclosing the receipts for all versions of the Boyfriend, Husband, Wife and especially the Secretary with Short Skirt programs. Husband 1 ran off with Secretary with Short Skirt and I am left alone, with no boyfriend, no husband, and I am no longer a wife since Husband 1 filed for divorce. Please send me a complete refund, as you have ruined my entire life. I am also enclosing a receipt for the hairdresser’s services to convert me from a blonde to a redhead. It obviously didn’t make me any smarter or I would have dumped Husband 1 before he dumped me!

Dear Customer;

We regret any problems you may have had with husband 1.0 and will begin processing your refund. Please allow 6 to 8 months for processing minus 60% restocking fee. If you prefer we can substitute husband 1.0 with “significant other 4.3”. Please log-on to our website http://www.spousesoftware.com/ to start processing your refund or download significant other 4.3.

Thank you from the tech support team.

For more about Dr. Love, please go to his website

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  • At 7:06 PM, Blogger Jay Hudson said…

    Hahaahah! Cute! The Blogger word verification for 1.0 is chrole, which is almost like 3.0 scroll.


  • At 8:50 PM, Blogger SandyC said…

    Hilarious! I needed that.

  • At 6:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I am almost certain that this made it out into cyberspace, because I read something like this not long ago in a funny email I received. This one's more intricate and more hilarious, with the Lawyer 87.5 and Short skirt 3.1 and such! --Donna Conger

  • At 7:45 AM, Blogger H Twopointoh said…


    Thank you for posting this. Sometimes relationship problems have to simplified to this level before anything can make sense again.

    I talk abut this on my blog: Husband2point0.com. Check it out when you can.

    I listen to quite a few men. I hear them moan and groan, complain and vent. Sometimes in the Barber Shop, sometimes in desperate phone calls. Things are wrong in their home and it is obvious, they don’t know why. I do understand the frustration that they are NOT getting laid and getting affection. But that point is irrelevant, because until you deal with the “why” nothing will change.

    When I ask them the question, “Do you hate your wife?” They always say, “No”. Well, since they do not hate her we must deduce that they do love her. We must narrow down the point of failure. In the e-book for this website,

    Husband 2.0

    , I discuss how to fix the real problem in great detail, the man.

    I may not be the best writer, I may not have a degree in anything related to this subject but seriously, seriously…. I am right.

    But just to fast track the troubleshooting process, the problem is one of memory and priority. In short, your woman doesn’t have enough good memories and too many bad memories. The other thing is priority, men easily think that we do, but easily do not treat our woman and our relationship as a priority. This is why date with your wife has to be priority. There is a direct correlation between a decrease in the frequency of meaningful sex and a decrease in meaningful bonding.


    Men, you may ask why does any of this matter? Let me drop some knowledge on you…

    When was the last time you said, “We can’t afford it?”

    #She has to settle. You are being realistic, but are you bringing your “A” game to her request? If you will not even try to make it happen for her, you have lost MAN points. She feels less important.

    When was the last time you went somewhere she wanted to go on your vacation?

    #She has to settle. Other people have memories of their vacation but she has memories of cleaning the house, year after year. You have lost more MAN points. She feels unfulfilled and deprived.

    When was the last time you had a “planning session” with her about your future?

    (Should we move, could we move, is more education possible for either of us in the near future, wassup with our side hustle(business)) # She has/will stop believing that things are going to get better, each day, each week is an exercise in tolerating “just” barely getting by. Again, when she has to settle you have lost MAN points.

    When was the last time that you just held her?

    #Forget MAN points, she just needs HER man and here is where you CAN NOT FAIL… Reassurance. If you never bond or embrace, you cry separately. This is wrong. You both have to bare your soul, for better or worse AND CRY TOGETHER. Confess, discuss, forgive.and pray.

    SHOWING that YOU have CONTROL over your LIFE and that your RELATIONSHIP is a PRIORITY. No matter what comes up… This was scheduled FIRST.

    There was a man that was married to a woman for 10 years. He was known for never telling her the words, “I love you” and here is the craziest part, he wanted to kill the first man who did.

    Husband 2.0 Blog

    Husband 2.0 e-book


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